I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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