Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
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