True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
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