i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
