Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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