did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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