Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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