I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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