Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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