I think scott just propositioned me for sex
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
3 2 1 whiskey
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
