She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
