I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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