he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
