Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize