Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
