Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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