Swine flu. Run for my life!
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
