Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
