fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
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