girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize