Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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