fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
