this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
