I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Someone came in the potted fern
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
