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• (530): View more from California

  When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.

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• (727): View more from Florida

  He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.

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• (401): View more from Rhode Island

  wrong asian. never thought that would happen.

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• (513): View more from Ohio

  I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.

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• (763): View more from Minnesota

  someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless

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• (909): View more from California

  that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though

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• (503): View more from Oregon

  bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?

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• (707): View more from California

  We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.

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• (281): View more from Texas

  And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.

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• (206): View more from Washington

  I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?

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• (406): View more from Montana

  I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.

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• (303): View more from Colorado

  Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.

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• (317): View more from Indiana

  I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?

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• (513): View more from Ohio

  I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.

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• (727): View more from Florida

  Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.

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