College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
