This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
