I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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