This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
