I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
