Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
