is your mom at the bar?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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