I think I won the penis lottery.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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