I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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