On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize