things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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