News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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