Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
