Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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