you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
