I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
