You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
