get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
