p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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