I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
And the cops told us we were all naked.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
