He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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