I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
