I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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