I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
