singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
