How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
We are all done wearing pants today
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
