My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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