My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
