what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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