normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
