The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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