It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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