I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
