If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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