my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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